I'm thinking of starting a club for people who are bad at math. It's called 'Algebra: A Support Group.'

The other day, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor said I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I'm trying to organize a cover band for vaccines. So far, I have the Flu Fighters and the Measles Mondays.

Why did the nail go to the bar? To get hammered.

I once dated a mime, but she broke up with me because I kept talking behind her back.

I'm reading a book on the history of teleportation. It's taking me places.

Why do vampires always seem sick? Because they're always coffin.

I was fired from the clock-making factory after all the extra hours I put in.

I asked the doctor if my test results were in yet. He replied, 'They're positively terrifying.'

Why did the scarecrow break up with the corn? It was too ear-responsible.

I asked the gardener if he could trim my hedges. He said, 'I'm bushed.'

Why did the dentist take up gardening? He wanted to floss a new leaf.

I told my mechanic I have trust issues with my car. He said, 'You have to drive a wedge between those feelings.'

Why did the chicken join a band? It had a great bawk and roll rhythm.

I asked the doctor for some peace and quiet. He prescribed me a cemetery plot.

I asked the electrician if he could make my house brighter. He told me to lighten up.

I asked the butcher if he had any pig's feet. He said, 'No, I chop them off before selling.'

I told the baker I need more bread in my diet. He said, 'Don't loaf around.'

Why did the werewolf become a comedian? He had a howling good sense of humor.

Why did the ghost start a candle shop? He wanted to 'light up' people's lives.

Why did the zombie start a gardening business? He loved to 'sow' new seeds of death.