I tried to write a joke about the devil, but it was too hellish.

I asked my wife if she wanted to try the new restaurant, Karma. She said, 'No thanks, I hear it's self-serve.'

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop?

I told my therapist I had suicidal thoughts. He said from now on I'll have to pay in advance.

I told my wife she should be more optimistic. Now she's positive she can't stand me.

I asked the doctor for something for my sensitive skin. He gave me a map of the Sahara desert.

I love dark humor. Just like how my coffee addiction gets stronger as my will to live weakens.

I asked my grandpa if he wanted to be buried or cremated. He said, 'Surprise me.'

I told my wife she should learn to put things in perspective. So she threw my phone out the window.

I was always afraid of speed bumps but now I'm slowly getting over them.

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk but I never got the chant.

I always knock on the refrigerator before opening it. Just in case there's a salad dressing.

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian but I kept sitting down on the job.

Why do skeletons refuse to fight each other? They don't have the guts.

I tried to take a selfie with the Loch Ness monster but all I got was a 'Nessie' picture.

My wife told me I have a bad sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

I asked my boss if I could have a day off because I'm sick. He said, 'How sick?' I said, 'Like Monday.'

I told my psychiatrist that I am afraid of the dark. He suggested that I become a stand-up comedian.

I asked the optometrist if they had anything for my fear of stairs. They said, 'It's an elevated issue.'

I'm reading a book on the history of mazes. I'm really lost in it.

I asked the computer for a joke, and it replied, 'Your life.'