Did you hear about the kidnapping at the library? He woke up.

I told my wife she should do lunges, but that would take her two more toes.

I told my wife she should do some lunges. She said, 'That would take me two more toes.'

I asked the doctor if I would live to be 100. He said, 'Do you smoke or drink?' I said, 'No.' He said, 'Then what does it matter?'

Why wasn't the bicycle able to stand up by itself? It was two tired.

Why do necrophiliacs make terrible DJs? They only play decomposing beats.

Why don't spiders donate to charity? They only like the web.

Why did the mummy go to school in the summer? To improve his wrapping skills.

I told my psychiatrist I had a fear of speed bumps. He advised me to slowly get over it.

I asked my wife why she keeps looking at her phone during a horror movie. She said she's checking for exit strategies.

I heard the gym was having a special on memberships for grave diggers. It's a killer deal.

I asked the doctor if I was going to live a long life. He said, 'I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus.'

I called the animal shelter asking if they accept lions. They said no, it's a pride thing.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We broke up.

I hate gut jokes. They always make me feel sick to my stomach.

I told my computer to shut down twice, now it won't talk to me.

Why did the vampire start studying medicine? To learn how to draw blood.

Why don't skeletons fight bees? They don't have the buzz for it.

Why did the clown go to therapy? It needed to work on its inner self.

Why did the scarecrow start fencing? It wanted to pick up a new hobby.

Why did the zombie go to therapy? It had difficulty dealing with emotional brains.