I told my wife she should be more affectionate. She said, 'Fine, tickle me.' So I tried, but apparently zoos have rules about that.

Why did the math book look bummed out? It had too many problems to solve.

I told my wife she should try to be more spontaneous. She packed her bags and left me.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner beauty. She started to undress.

My wife told me I needed to be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

I asked the doctor for the smallest coffin they had. He said, 'Sorry, we don't make them that small.'

I asked the coroner if he needed help with his work. He said I could lend him a hand.

My wife told me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' by Oasis. I said maybe...

Why did the sandwich go to the doctor? It was feeling a little mayo.

Why did the thief take a shower before he stole? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on comedy. She said it was a joke-free zone.

Why did the nurse carry a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood.

Why was the plant so bad at math? It had square roots.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field, until the murder of crows.

I told my wife she should do cardio to stay healthy. She told me to run faster.

I always wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I don't always tell dark jokes. But when I do, the light bulbs go out.

I used to play hide and seek with my uncle. It always ended with him hiding the body.

I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

I didn’t know why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My girlfriend accused me of being a transphobe. I told her that's a big word for a 6-year-old.