I always take my wife's opinions into consideration. Especially if I disagree with them.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage, but apparently you can't take them to court.

I asked the coroner for his secret to a successful marriage. He said, 'Till death do us part.'

My doctor told me I'm allergic to peanuts. Good thing I'm not a squirrel.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He said, 'When did they start?'

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't raise enough dough.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

My wife left me because of my obsession with astrology. Oh well, my loss was the stars' gain.

I told my wife she should try and be more like a campfire. So now she's intense and constantly surrounded by guys.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said yes, all the others were nines or tens.

I went to a seafood restaurant and got food poisoning. I guess I'm just not a great catch.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She didn't take the suggestion well.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He kneaded the dough.

I found a bag of money on the street and decided to keep it. It was a grave mistake.

My wife asked me how I like my eggs in the morning. I replied, 'Unfertilized.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of being buried alive. She said she can help me deal with that in the future.