I asked the doctor if he could help me contain my laughter. He said, 'It's a serious condition.'

Why don't skeletons go to scary movies? They have no stomach for it.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I told her it's a safety precaution.

I wish I could be as confident as the person who chose the music at a funeral.

I asked the doctor for some advice on insomnia. He said, 'It's a no-sleeping matter.'

I asked the doctor if he could recommend a good movie. He said, 'Just watch your life, it's a horror show.'

I told my wife she should start cooking more meals. She handed me a cookbook called '50 Ways to Poison Your Husband.'

I bought a talking parrot for my son's birthday. Too bad it only whispers 'You're next.'

People say I have a dark sense of humor. I prefer to call it 'genocide comedy.'

I told my therapist I have trouble making friends. He said, 'Have you tried necromancy?'

I tried to donate blood today, but they said my blood type was 'Killer.'

I found a genie lamp and wished for eternal life. Now I have to watch everyone I love die.

I love Halloween. It's the only time of year everyone wears a mask to hide their true selves.

I went to a murder mystery party but got bored. I guess I'm just too good at solving real crimes.

I asked Satan for a glass of water. He offered me a drink called 'Soul on the Rocks.'

I saw a sign that said 'Danger: Open Pit.' Guess I found the perfect spot for my ex.

My therapist told me I have a fear of intimacy. I think that's just a nice way of saying I'm a serial killer.

I went to a restaurant that served hand sandwiches. The secret ingredient was always a finger.

I thought about becoming a serial killer, but then I realized it's a dying profession.

I joined a suicide prevention club. They kick you out if you're too successful.

I told my sister she had a face for radio. She thanked me for noticing her career change.