I accidentally sent a nude selfie to my boss. Now I have to find a new job, and possibly a lawyer.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the ketchup bottle naked.

I saw a clown walking down the street with a shovel. I thought, 'That's a little grave.'

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed space.

I told my friends I'm into necrophilia, but they're all dead against it.

Why did the gardener break up with his girlfriend? She was too high maintenance.

I called in sick to work because I was dead tired. My boss said, 'That's fine, just make sure to bury yourself in paperwork.'

I asked the butcher how his day was going. He said, 'I'm just killing time until quitting hours.'

Why did the teacher break up with the janitor? She caught him sweeping someone else off their feet.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the heat in the kitchen.

My wife told me I should go out and make some new friends. So I went to the cemetery.

I told my psychiatrist I was having thoughts of suicide. He told me I had to pay in advance.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said, 'But then I'd have to hug you.'

I always thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Why don't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthesia. He said, 'Sure, knock yourself out.'

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but then I crossed that bridge.

Why did the vampire get depressed? He felt like a pale imitation of himself.

Why was the math book sad? It had too many story problems to carry on.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said, 'You first.'

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because his work was truly straw-mendous.