I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about the morgue. She said, 'That's where our marriage is heading.'

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue? To bone up on his grill skills.

Why did the scarecrow become a therapist? He was outstanding at getting to the root of the problem.

I asked the dentist if he could give me a hand. He said, 'Sorry, I'm all tied up.'

Why did the cannibal turn vegetarian? He'd had his fill of people.

Why did the vampire become a counselor? He had a knack for sucking the life out of people.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the knife coming.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about construction. She told me to build up to it.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the heat in the crematorium.

Why did the chicken join a band? It wanted to try its wing at music.

I told my therapist about my fear of landfills. He told me it was a garbage problem.

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? She wasn't his type - he prefers brains.

I asked the butcher if he had pig's feet. He said, 'I'm sorry, I can't help you. I only sell meat.'

Why don't skeletons fight each other in wars? They prefer to stay neutral.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she said she'd rather strangle them.

Why did the vampire get a job as a phlebotomist? He's good at sucking things dry.

Why did the gardener get in trouble with the law? He was caught with a bunch of illegal plants.

I asked the doctor if the surgery would hurt. He said, 'Only when I start.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she said she preferred suffocating them.

Why don't skeletons play church music? Because they can't hold a tune.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a noose.