Why did the tomato get in trouble? It was caught saucing around. And now it's stewing in its own juices.

I tried to take a selfie in the shower, but my phone got wet and now it's not working. I guess it couldn't handle the exposure.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. I'm still trying to figure out how to install the ceiling.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the heat. Now I'm a fry cook and things are really heating up.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She ended up filing for divorce.

Why did the ghost go to therapy? Because he had too many boo-issues.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which comes first.

I was in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You've probably seen our posters around town.

I'll never date another tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide. She said they used to, but they never returned.

I told my wife she should do squats to get a better butt. She took it as an insult. I guess that was a cheeky thing to say.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about other men. She said, 'No, most of them need haircuts.'

I used to be a pilot, but I crashed and burned. Now I sell hot air balloons, and business is really taking off.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It's just gathering dust.

Last night, I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. It was a Fanta sea.

I told my wife she should lift weights to tone her arms. Now she's been carrying a grudge all day.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse for Halloween. She refused. I guess she's not in the best health.

I told my wife she should try golf to learn patience. She told me to tee-rify myself.