I asked the librarian if they had any books on deja vu. She said she wasn't sure and that we've had this conversation before.

I only use psychics with small portions. They all have little foresight.

Why couldn't the bicycle find its way? It lost its bearings.

Why did the man break up with the sun? It was too bright for him.

I couldn't believe that the highway I-75 was falling apart, turns out it was a real roadblock.

I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I play by memory. My piano teacher got really mad.

Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes? Because no one can eat just one potato ship.

I told my wife I want to be cremated. She said 'sure, but just make sure you're dead first'.

I was at an auction and the auctioneer yelled, 'going once, going twice, sold!' and I yelled 'good, because I was only going to pay once'.

I heard oxygen and magnesium got together. OMg!

I'm friends with a clock. It's about time.

I would tell you a joke about leeches, but it would suck.

I have a great joke about construction, but I'm still building up to it.

What's the best way to start a parade in a cemetery? Unleash the zombies.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

What's a vampire's favorite type of ship? A blood vessel.

Why did the zombie go to school? To improve his deaducation.

Why did the man bring a pencil to bed? To draw his own dreams.