I told my psychiatrist I was having a hard time coping with my fear of heights. He told me to get over it or the sessions would cost an arm and a leg.

I asked the zombie why he was on a diet. He said he was watching his body fats.

I told my wife I wanted to be buried with my money. She said I can't take it with me. I said, 'That's what they make graves for.'

I heard Dracula is retiring. He's going to be a pain in the neck to replace.

I asked the grim reaper to play hide and seek. He never found me, but someone else did.

I saw a sign at the cemetery that said 'Reserved for future use'. I guess they're dying to fill those spots.

I asked my doctor about my fear of the unknown. He told me I have an un-diagnosable condition.

My boss asked me to start the graveyard shift. I told him I prefer to keep my skeletons in the closet.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She agreed, she's always been hot for me.

I saw a ghost at the bar last night. He ordered a boozy drink.

I accidentally sent a text message to the wrong number with my plans for murder. But they responded with 'Sounds good, just make sure to clean up after yourself.'

I asked my date if she wanted to hear a joke about ghosts. She said no, she was already dead inside.

I told my friends I wanted to be buried in a suit made of $100 bills. They said it was a dead-end fashion choice.

I got into a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, but I think it's just too controlling.

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve.

I tried to perform comedy for comatose patients, but they didn't seem to get the jokes. Tough crowd.

I told my therapist I was having dark thoughts. He turned off the lights and charged me double.

I tried to donate blood, but they kept saying it was too 'rare.' I guess that explains why the vampires have been following me around.

I sat down with the Grim Reaper to discuss my final moments. He really knows how to make an entrance.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. So, I planted some in the backyard. Now she's just waiting for them to bloom in time for her funeral.

I asked my doctor if he could recommend a good night's sleep. He handed me a bottle of chloroform and a pillow. Now, sleep is the least of my problems.