Why did the murderer go to the party? To bury the hatchet.

I have a fear of elevators, but I'm slowly rising above it.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? He said she was giving him heartburn.

Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain? They're afraid of losing their spirits.

I used to be a tailor, but I couldn't seem to hem in my mistakes.

Why did the math book look so sad? It was tired of being subtracted from people's lives.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he had a killer work ethic.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about pizza. She said it's too cheesy.

Why was the math book sad? It kept getting divided attention from students.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful gardener? He had a real knack for planting ideas.

Why did the skeleton break up with his girlfriend? He said she didn't have the backbone to make it work.

Why did the vampire decide to become a vegetarian? He wanted to stop sucking the life out of everything.

I told my wife she should look on the bright side. She closed the curtains.

Why did the scarecrow become a stand-up comedian? He knew how to work a crowed.

Why did the ghost become a politician? He wanted to appeal to all demographics.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue? He heard he'd get some bone-in ribs.

Why did the vampire donate blood? It was in his best interest.

Why was the scarecrow promoted? He was outstanding at his job.

Why did the scarecrow become a popular fashion designer? He had a great sense of straw-teture.

I keep telling everyone I'm a pessimist, but I don't think they believe me.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner child. She called for a time-out.