What's the best way to handle a toxic relationship? Wear protective gear.

Why did the skeleton break up with his girlfriend? She was a real bonehead.

What's the best way to start a fire at an orphanage? Tell them Santa's coming early this year.

Why was the tree excited to go to the dentist? It heard it was going to get a root canal.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a black eye.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend a book on paranoia. He whispered, 'They're all watching.'

I told my wife she should tidy up her bedside table. She told me it's a dying table and doesn't have long to live.

I failed my mathematics exam, but I'm positive I'll do better next time.

Why do graveyards have a fence around them? Because people are dying to get in.

I bought my friend a coffin for his birthday. I guess you could say it was a dead gift.

When I told my wife I just saw a ghost, she asked for a divorce. Apparently, she's the one.

I lost my job at the bank after losing interest.

Why did the witch break up with her warlock boyfriend? He kept putting hexes on her.

Why was the belt locked up? It held up a pair of pants during a robbery.

Why was the bicycle embarrassed? It couldn't handle the pressure.

Why do serial killers love camping? It's in-tents.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

What's worse than getting a worm in your apple? Getting the Holocaust.

Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her b-shells.

What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.

Why did the orphan go to school early? To eat the leftover meals from parent-teacher conferences.