Why couldn't the vampire play poker? Because he always had a bat hand.

Why did the sperm cross the road? It thought it was an egg.

I asked my wife if she wanted to play doctor. She refused, saying she already has enough patients.

I told my wife she should be more positive. Now she's HIV.

I asked the doctor if he could perform my surgery. He said he doesn't operate on patients with a pulse.

I asked my dad for a haircut. He said he couldn't part with any more of my inheritance.

I offered my wife some wine and cheese. Now she's whining and I'm feeling bleu.

Why did the bodybuilder break up with his protein shake? It was too whey-stful.

I told my therapist I have a fear of giants. She asked if I looked up to them.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? He wanted to see her crack.

My girlfriend said she wanted a ring for her birthday. So I gave her a call.

I wanted to be cremated but my doctor insisted on calling it 'being burnt out'.

Why did the dentist break up with the tooth? It was too hard to floss.

I asked my waiter for a joke with my drink. He said, 'My shift ends in 10 minutes.'

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She said she'd scatter my ashes at Home Depot, so I could haunt it forever.

I made a joke about Parkinson's disease at work. It didn't go over well.

Why do skeletons make terrible detectives? They have no guts for investigating.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had some dough.

I asked the psychic for a glimpse into my future. She said, 'You don't want to know.'

I told my wife she should try cleaning the house blindfolded. She said she already does, it's called vacuuming.

Why did the ghost go to the party? It wanted to boo-gie.