I told my therapist I wanted to kill myself. He said I have to make an appointment.

Why did the burglar hang out with the ghosts? He heard they had a haunting good time.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove he had guts.

I told my wife she should try kitchen jokes. Now she can't stand under pressure.

Why did the math teacher break up with the psychologist? He thought their relationship was too irrational.

Why was the baker arrested? He was caught loafing around.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but I nailed it instead.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the bread.

I told my wife she should do stand-up comedy. Now she's rolling on the floor in laughter.

I told my wife she should name her car after me. She said, 'But honey, it's unreliable.'

I told my wife she should get back in the kitchen. She asked me for a step-by-step guide on how to do it.

Why did the thief go to the rooftop? He was raising the stakes of his heists.

I told my wife she should work on her anger management. Now she's dating a volcano.

I asked my doctor for a diagnosis. He said, 'You are terminal, the bill is $500.'

Why did the tree break up with its leaves? They couldn't commit to falling.

I told my wife she should be more creative. Now she's painting my ex as a masterpiece.

Why did the vampire join AA? He was tired of being a bat-oholic.

Why did the pirate get into gardening? He wanted to grow some booty.

Why couldn't the vampire get a girlfriend? He was always coffin up blood.

I asked my doctor for a prescription. He said, 'Take two aspirin and call me when you die.'

I told my wife she should be more eco-friendly. Now she's dating a tree hugger.