I accidentally knocked over a bookshelf while cleaning. It's a real page-turner.

I told my therapist I had suicidal thoughts. He told me from now on, I have to pay in advance.

I told my boss I have a drinking problem. He told me to keep up the good work.

I told my wife she should join a cult. She said she already did, it's called marriage.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated, but she said, 'I need some space first.'

I had a friend who was a mechanic, but he couldn't fix his own life.

I told my wife she should do some soul-searching. She hasn't come back yet.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the farmer? He was outstanding in his field, but she wanted someone a bit more straw-ng.

I once knew a musician who had perfect pitch. Unfortunately, it was a pitchfork.

Why did the ghost get lost in the fog? He didn't have a haunting license.

I told my wife she should put her foot down. Now she's a footstool.

I asked the devil for a loan. He said, 'Sure, just sign here in blood.'

I bought my wife a mood ring. It turned blue when she was calm, and when she was angry it made a big red mark on my forehead.

I told my wife she should stop shopping at the dollar store. Now she's a billionaire.

I tried to cheer up my wife with some balloons. But apparently, 'It's a boy' isn't what she wanted to hear.

I asked my doctor for a stress ball. He gave me an orphan to raise instead.

I told my wife she should loosen up. So she went and got a divorce.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing. Do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

I'm not a fan of the new bandage company. Their adhesive is terrible.

My wife is furious at our neighbor for sunbathing topless in the backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.