I asked my wife if she believes in life after death. She said, 'Not if I kill you first.'

I told my wife she should try being more assertive. She agreed, then disagreed, then agreed again.

Why did the ghost take a taxi? He wanted to avoid the scarefare.

I asked my doctor if I'm vitamin deficient. He said, 'You're lacking drive.'

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? She said he was dead weight.

I told my wife she should take up fishing. She said, 'I already caught a big one.'

I asked my therapist if I have multiple personalities. He said, 'I'm not sure, let me ask.'

Why did the werewolf break up with his girlfriend? She said he was too hairy.

I asked my plumber if he had any experience with leaks. He said, 'I've been married three times.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of intimacy. He said, 'That's a very personal problem.'

I told my wife she should be more adventurous. She filed for divorce.

I asked the devil for a favor. He said, 'You first.'

Why did the ghost go inside the bar? For the boos.

I told my wife she should be more positive. She said, 'Sure, like HIV.'

I told my psychiatrist that I had a suicidal clone. He said, 'Good, at least you're not alone.'

I told my wife she should embrace her flaws. She hugged me tight and said, 'Like you.'

I asked the Grim Reaper for dating advice. He said, 'You should try reaping what you sow.'

Why did the vampire get hired as a psychiatrist? He had great sucking skills.

I asked my doctor for some space. He charged me for intergalactic travel.

I told my wife she should try stand-up comedy. She's been standing up to me for years.

Why did the zombie apply for a job at the bakery? He heard they knead fresh brains.