Why don't vampires argue in public? They don't want to make a scene.

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, 'Sure, here's your termination letter.'

Why did the bread break up with the butter? It was tired of getting spread too thin.

I asked my wife if she wanted dessert. She said, 'No thanks, I've already had a slice of your life.'

Why don't ghosts play hide and seek? They're always invisible.

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? She wanted more brains in the relationship.

Why did the grave digger retire early? Digging up old dirt was killing him.

I asked the barber for a mullet. He said, 'Business in the front, party in the back - just like a funeral.'

Why don't ghosts have more babies? Because they have holloweenies.

I asked my wife if she wanted to try some dark humor. She said, 'No thanks, I already live with you.'

I asked the doctor for some medical advice. He said, 'You're terminal.'

I asked my dad for his best dad joke. He said, 'You, at the dinner table.'

I asked my wife for a bedtime story. She told me about our marriage.

I like my humor like I like my chocolate - dark and bitter.

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, 'Sure, get in line with the rest of the employees.'

Why did the comedian go to the doctor? He had a twisted sense of humor.

I used to be a pharmacist, but then I lost my patients.

Why was the chemistry book feeling down? It couldn't find any positive reactions.

I like my humor like I like my whiskey - strong and smoky.

I like my humor like I like my coffee - black and twisted.

Why do vampires seem sick? Because they always look pale.