Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist? She thought she had curse-o-phrenia.

Why did the vampire get hired as a barber? He always gave killer haircuts.

What's the easiest way to make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it.

Why do farmers make terrible comedians? Because they always butcher the jokes.

Why did the skeleton climb a tree? Because a dog was chasing its bones.

Why couldn't the vampire get a loan? Because he had a low blood count.

What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk - because it's pasteurized before you even see it coming.

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Getting them out of the wheelchair.

Why was the hipster ghost too cool for the afterlife? He haunted houses before it was mainstream.

Why did the vampire take up meditation? To find some inner peace.

Why do shallow graves make terrible lovers? They don't have much depth.

I'm reading a book on bad habits. Can't put it down.

I told my wife she should be less indecisive. Or maybe not, whatever.

What's the difference between a train and a teacher? The teacher says, 'Spit your gum out,' but the train says, 'Choo choo choo!'

I told my wife she should be more assertive. Or maybe not, whatever.

Why did the waitress bring string to the restaurant? In case she needed to tie the menu.

I asked my therapist if he can help me stop procrastinating. He said he'll get back to me.

I tried to start a club for pessimists, but I couldn't find any members.

Why was the zombie always calm? He had a lot of dead-lines to meet.

I invited all my exes to a party. It was a grave mistake.

I heard the new cemetery has great reviews. People are just dying to get in.