Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain? Because it dampens their spirits.

I asked the Grim Reaper for his autograph, but he just signed me up for the next appointment.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She started to get a little cold.

Why did the psychic bring a pencil to their seance? To channel their inner writer.

I used to be a cat person, until I realized they were just purr-verts.

Why did the vampire get hired as a bartender? He was great at drawing blood.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He needed the dough.

Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants, and a bank.

Why was the tomato blushing? Because it saw the ketchup.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the heat in the bakery, or the heat in my marriage.

Why did the chicken go to the seance? To cross over to the other side... of the road.

I asked my wife if she fantasizes about other men. She said no, she just fantasizes about his big insurance policy.

Why was the tomato blushing? It saw the salad dressing, seducing the lettuce.

Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up a bank robbery, and the evidence.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the yeast infections.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausages? He always fears the wurst.

Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out, just like most relationships.

I told my wife we should try some role-playing. She called the cops because I dressed up as a burglar.

Why couldn't the vampire turn on his computer? He couldn't find the byte button.

I asked my grandma how she felt about euthanasia. She said she never liked those fancy names for furniture.

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.