I told my wife I wanted to be embalmed when I die. She told me I'm already dead on the inside.

I told my kids I'd haunt them if they didn't behave. They just laughed and said, 'Good luck with that.'

Why did the vampire subscribe to the New York Times? He heard they always deliver.

I used to play hide and seek with my uncle. He's still hiding.

As a math teacher, I told my students to turn their stress into success. Now they're all snorting derivatives.

I'm not a fan of COVID jokes. They wear masks and don't get old.

I told my psychiatrist I had a fear of holes. He said, 'Trypophobia?' I said, 'No, bullet holes.'

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't taste right.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a chokehold instead.

I have a fear of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

I took up origami for my anger management class. So far, I've made a crane.

Why was the skeleton sad at the party? He had no body to dance with.

I went to a funeral and they really brought down the house.

Why was the butcher always calm? He didn't have any beef with anyone.

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? Everyone else is raisin the speed limit.

Why did the serial killer go broke? He spent all his money in the chopping mall.

I spent $40 on a penis enlarger online. This non-refundable purchase has left me feeling very deflated.

I bought a new drug that helps me to see into the future. Just so I could say 'I told you so.'

What's the one positive thing you can say about pedophiles? At least they drive slowly through school zones.

I asked my granddad if he enjoys socks for Christmas. He said he loves them, especially when going out for walks to pick up the litter.

Why are aspirins white? Because they work.