I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about cannibals. She said she wasn't in the mood.

I told my wife she should do more squats. Now she's squatting in the neighbor's yard.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the farmer? It just didn't have the guts.

I used to be a gardener, but I planted the seeds of doubt.

Why did the teacher break up with the math book? It had too many problems.

I used to be a watchmaker, but I couldn't face the time.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about murder. She said no and walked away.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornfield? It just wasn't husking it.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated, but she said I'm not dead yet.

Why was the football team always hot after the game? Because they lost all their fans.

I told my psychiatrist I was having dark thoughts. He told me to paint them black.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't share his taste in music.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field and had a killer sense of humor.

I got a new job installing mirrors. It's something I can really see myself doing.

Why was the belt arrested? It was holding up a pair of pants that committed a crime.

Why don't ghosts have more babies? They have holloweenies.

I told my wife I'd stop drinking when I was dead. She suggested I start now.

Why did the milk go to therapy? It had a nervous breakdown from all the lactose intolerance.

I told my wife I had good news and bad news. The good news is I got a new job. The bad news is it's in a cemetery.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about silence. She told me to keep it down.

I asked the barber if he could give me a ponytail. Now I have a horse on my head.