I told my computer a joke, now it won't stop laughing.

I told my friend drinking too much tea is bad. Now he's in hot water.

I told my wife we should go on a diet together. She disappeared, now I'm on a missing person case.

Why did the tomato turn the other way? It saw the salad dressing.

I'm in a long-distance relationship. My husband lives in the future.

Why don't dinosaurs drive cars? They keep getting T-Rex.

Why was the ghost sad? It had no body to live in.

Why did the interior decorator break up with the paint? It was too controlling.

Why did the butcher go to the gym? To get a little meatier.

Why did the mathematician break up with his girlfriend? She just didn't add up anymore.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She went up in the plane, but chickened out. At least she flew the coop.

I asked the optometrist if they had clear glasses. They said, 'I don't see the point.'

Why did the teenager break up with the calendar? They had too many dates.

Why was the belt arrested? It was holding up a pair of pants in a no-parking zone.

Why can't you trust burritos? They tend to spill the beans.

Why do bicycles fall over? They're two-tired.

Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded help with his emotional loaf.

Why do vampires use mouthwash? They have bat breath.

I asked the doctor to take my x-ray. He said, 'Good news - you don't have a skeleton in your body.'

Why did the leopard break up with the cheetah? She was tired of his fast moves.

Why did the librarian get kicked out of the hotel? She was too bookish.