I asked my grandpa how he's so good at cards. He said, 'I've had a lot of practice burying the competition.'

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my uncontrollable laughter. He prescribed me cremation.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape KFC.

I told my wife she should work on her aim. She threw the dart at me in response.

I asked my grandma how she likes her eggs. She said, 'Unfertilized.'

I always feel better after a good cry. So I schedule them in every day at 3pm.

Nobody wants to become a necrophiliac, but in the end, life just happens.

I just got a new job as a cemetery security guard - the people are dying to get in.

I learned how to juggle axes last night. It was knife.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I'm not scared of heights, I'm scared of widths.

I told my wife she should embrace her curves. She handed me a math textbook.

I told my therapist about my obsession with collecting pens. He said it was just a black pen.

A man walks into a bar and orders H2O. His friend says, 'I'll have H2O too.' His friend died.

I told my wife she should learn to juggle to reduce stress. Now she's juggling multiple alimonies.

I told my therapist about my paranoia. She looked behind me.

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

I asked my dog what's the capital of France. He said, 'Roof.'

I'm friends with a lot of smokers. Every time they talk, I hear a lot of second-hand information.

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks to start a new death metal group.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. Now I have a fear of coffins.