Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the blood of its fellow vegetables.

I don't have a carbon footprint. I bury everything in the backyard.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I play it by playing people's screams.

I once told a chemistry joke, there was no reaction. Turns out they were all dead.

I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter, like my soul.

I told my wife she should've been a nun. She said, 'I never thought of that. Y'know, that's not a bad idea.' So we both became nuns.

I finally told my computer how I felt. It burst into tears and said, 'You make me crash.'

Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.

I wanted to be a broom when I grew up, but I just couldn't handle the pressure.

Sure, I sleep like a baby. I wake up every 2 hours crying for attention.

I asked the doctor if I would live to be 100. He said, 'Well, that depends. Do you smoke or drink?' I said, 'No.' He said, 'Then what's the point?'

I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts. He charged me double.

I'm not saying my uncle is old, but when he was in school, history was called current events.

I told my wife she should try negative reinforcement to improve my behavior. She said, 'Fine, you're not getting any dessert tonight.'

I don't need a license to kill, I have a library card.

I told my wife she should be more affectionate. She said I'll get affection when she's in the mood.

My wife gets really mad when I mess with her red wine. Apparently, I'm ruining her box.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said she couldn't cause she wasn't going to be around for long.

I'm writing a book on suicide. It's a killer read.

Why did the vampire get kicked out of the blood bank? It tried to make a withdrawal but it lost its fangs.

Why did the ghost break up with its partner? It wanted to be boo-tifull on its own.