I don't have a drinking problem, I'm very good at it.

I took a course on necrophilia. It was dead boring.

Why did the mathematics book look sad? Because of all the problems it had.

I asked my dog what's his least favorite Jewish holiday... He said Hannukilling.

I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook but even the flies died after eating her food.

Why don’t sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

I’m not saying my ex is a heartless monster but there’s a reason why some animals eat their young.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

I have a dark sense of humor but also a serious side. I think it’s called bi-polar.

What's the worst part about time travel jokes? They’re always a day late.

Why did the ghost go to the party? He heard it was gonna be a 'boo'last.

Why did the burglar shower before he broke into the house? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

Why did the statue of David break up with his girlfriend? She took him for granite.

I told my therapist about my fear of palindromes. Now I refuse to go back to therapy.

I couldn't figure out why the map kept getting bigger. Then it dawned on me.

Knock knock. Who's there? The police. Your family has been killed in a tragic accident.

I told my wife she should switch to Velcro instead of buttons. She's still sticking to her guns.

I'm friends with a lot of vegans. I guess you could say I'm in their good graces.

I asked the doctor for something for the pain. He gave me a mirror.

I finally realized why I can never lose weight. The only exercise I get is running out of patience.

I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. It was just a Fanta-sea.