I asked my dad for his best dad joke. He said, 'Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.'

I like my women like I like my wine - aged in a cellar.

Why did the tree go to the doctor? It had a bad case of bark-itus.

I like my coffee like I like my humor - cold and dark.

I asked my wife to try some dark humor. She said, 'Like your soul?'

Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

I took my dog to the pet cemetery. Now he's his own best friend.

I used to be a necrophiliac, but I got cold feet.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So I ordered her to be beheaded.

I told my therapist about my suicidal thoughts. He asked if I could think of anyone who would miss me. I said, 'Definitely not you.'

I used to be a stand-up comedian, until I took a joke too far.

I like my women like I like my whiskey - 12 years old and locked in the basement.

I accidentally fed my cat dog food. Now she's chasing cars and burying bones.

I finally told my wife she should learn to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Why are spiders good baseball players? They know how to catch flies.

Why did the bird join the police force? He wanted to be an undercover agent.

Why was the tomato red and wrinkled? Because it was all wrinkled up.

Why did the vampire get punched in the face? He was a real pain in the neck.

Why do cowboys have so much trouble getting along? They always draw first.

Why couldn't the skeleton play in the band? He had no organs.

I'll never date another apostrophe. The last one was too possessive.