I told my wife she should be more flexible. She did a 360 and left me.

Why is it so hard for drug addicts to find love? They're always chasing the high.

I love taking walks in the cemetery at night. It really helps me decompose.

Why did the ghost break up with his girlfriend? She kept telling him he needed to be more transparent.

Why don't vampires have many friends? They're a pain in the neck.

I've been dieting for weeks, but I still can't seem to lose any weight. Guess I'll just have to cut off my limbs and weigh less.

I used to be a proctologist, but I couldn't stand the behind-the-scenes drama.

Why did the mortician start a band? He heard they were dying for a good lead singer.

I asked my barber for a new haircut. He said, 'How about off the top of your head?'

I joined a suicide prevention group, but they told me to hang in there.

I can't believe my landlord is so heartless. He rented out my grave before I even died.

I considered joining a cult, but I didn't want to take a stab in the dark.

I can't believe there's a support group for people afraid of commitment. They never show up.

I used to be a necrophiliac, but I just couldn't keep it alive.

Why do necrophiliacs love going to the cemetery? The fresh meat is to die for.

I can't believe people still believe in superstitions. I mean, knocking on wood? What a bunch of deadbeats.

I texted my ex, 'I miss you.' She replied, 'Stop drunk texting me, Dad.'

Why did the comedian go to the dentist? He wanted to improve his biting humor.

Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident? He's all right now.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend a good mortician. He said, 'I'll see what I can dig up.'

My wife told me she wanted to be cremated when she dies. I guess she's just really into hot yoga.