I'm not a picky eater, I just have a refined palette for chicken nuggets.

I'm not forgetful, I'm just creating space for new memories.

I'm not a hypochondriac, I just like to pre-diagnose myself before the doctor does.

I'm not single, I'm just romantically challenged.

I'm not indecisive, I'm just very open to all possibilities.

I'm not a pessimist, I'm just preparing for the worst-case scenario.

I told my therapist about my self-deprecating humor and he said, 'Well, at least you're good at something.'

I recently started a diet and already cheated... by thinking about a donut too hard.

My singing voice is so bad, my shower turns off when I start singing.

I tried to organize my life, but my Netflix queue just keeps getting longer.

I always put the 'pro' in procrastination.

I'm not short, I'm just closer to hell.

I'm about as intimidating as a fluffy bunny in a thunderstorm.

I'm like a cat that's allergic to itself - constantly in my own way.

I'm so impatient, I microwave my food for 2 minutes and then stand there tapping my foot.

I'm like a magnet for awkward situations, except without the charm.

I'm like a human Etch A Sketch, constantly shaking things up and starting over.

I'm so indecisive, I can't even commit to a favorite color.

I'm like a tornado in a teacup - a lot of noise and chaos in a tiny space.

I'm so awkward, I once fist-bumped someone who was just waving.

I'm so bad at parking, I once had to Google how to parallel park... in my own driveway.