I'm the kind of person who brings a jacket when it's sunny and forgets an umbrella when it's raining.

I'm like a magnet for awkward situations. If there's an embarrassing moment to be had, I'll find it.

I thought I was singing in the shower until I heard my neighbor banging on the wall.

I tried to be a morning person once. I hit snooze so many times, it became an Olympic sport.

I once tried to impress someone by telling them I speak three languages. Turns out, they meant fluently.

I'm the reason why there are warning labels on products. I'll find a way to misuse anything.

I can never remember where I parked my car. Sometimes, I think it's gone and then realize I never left the house.

I thought I was a good driver until my GPS said 'just stop, let me do the talking'.

I like to think I'm a good listener, but half the time I'm just thinking about what snack I'm going to have next.

I'm not saying I'm clumsy, but I can trip over a wireless internet connection.

I'm so bad at fixing things, I once duct-taped my phone back together... while it was still on.

I'm so forgetful, I once forgot to put my car in park and watched it roll away.

I'm so awkward, I once texted 'LOL' in real life instead of actually laughing.

I'm so bad at grocery shopping, I buy items I already have at home just to have a backup.

I'm so terrible at math, I once tried to split a bill in three ways and ended up with four payments.

I'm so bad at cooking, my fire alarms have a dedicated hotline to the fire department.

I'm so bad at singing, my karaoke machine once took a vow of silence.

I'm so bad at sports, I once sprained my ankle playing mini-golf.

I'm so unathletic, my Fitbit judges me for 'low activity' while I'm binge-watching TV.

I'm so bad at exercising, I consider lifting the remote control a workout.

I'm so bad at taking selfies, my phone auto-corrects 'duck face' to 'potato face'.