I'm like a human walking hazard - I can stub my toe on air.

I'm so bad at parallel parking, I once spent 20 minutes trying to park in a spot large enough for two cars.

I'm not saying I'm a bad driver, but I once got pulled over for going too slow.

I'm so bad at dating, my idea of a romantic evening is Netflix and microwave popcorn.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but my exercise routine consists of running late.

I'm so clumsy, I trip over the truth all the time.

I'm pretty sure my plants are the only living things that are disappointed in me.

I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm just terrified of making plans.

I'm the kind of person who always manages to pick the slowest line at the grocery store.

I'm the type of person who wears a Fitbit and then gets offended when it reminds me to move.

I'm pretty sure my pets only pretend to listen to me because they know I'm the one with the snacks.

I'm not saying I'm bad at making decisions, but it took me three hours to pick out a pair of socks this morning.

I'm not saying I'm disorganized, but I once spent an hour looking for my phone while I was talking on it.

I'm the type of person who accidentally likes their own post on social media and then has to pretend it was intentional.

I'm so bad at dating, I got stood up by my imaginary friend.

I'm so awkward, my autobiography would probably be categorized as a horror story.

I attempted to bake a cake for my friend's birthday, and it turned out looking more like a tire.

My dog growled at me when I told her I was the alpha in the house. She's just misunderstood.

I applied for a job at a bakery, and they asked for references. I gave them my oven and microwave.

I told a joke so bad, even the dad in the room cringed and walked away.

I'm so bad at dating, my GPS only has one destination - Friendzone.