I'm like a human alarm clock, people want to hit snooze when I start talking.

I'm like a one-man circus, except all the acts are me messing up.

I'm such a lightweight, I get tipsy just from watching someone pour a drink.

I'm great at multi-tasking... as long as multiple tasks involve avoiding work.

I'm like a reverse pickpocket, I walk around stuffing money into people's pockets.

I have a black belt in procrastination, but I'm too lazy to pick it up.

I'm so bad at DIY, even IKEA instructions look at me in disbelief.

I have a memory like a sieve, but not the fancy kind with holes, the broken kind with no bottom.

My fashion sense is so bad, mannequins look away when I walk by.

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of falling from them awkwardly.

I'm like a human alarm clock, nobody wants me around in the morning.

I'm the only person I know who can get lost in a one-way street.

I have a great personality, it's just on mute most of the time.

I have a fear of commitment... mainly because commitment has a fear of me.

I'm so forgetful, my brain should come with a 'check engine' light.

I'm not the best at dancing, I once accidentally kicked someone while trying to salsa.

I'm not the best at cooking, I once set off the fire alarm making toast.

I'm so bad at cleaning, I once lost my phone in the pile of laundry on my bed.

I'm not the best at parking, I once spent 10 minutes trying to fit into a spot that was too small.

I'm so bad at fashion, I once tried to match plaid with stripes and ended up looking like a walking optical illusion.

I'm not the best at singing, I once got booed off stage at a karaoke night.