I'm not saying I'm unlucky, but I once got a fortune cookie that said 'Better luck next time'.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but even my self-help books collect dust on the shelf.

My parents always told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up. I guess I took that a little too seriously and became a disappointment.

I recently started a diet, but my self-control is like a toddler in a candy store - non-existent.

I tried to join a support group for self-deprecating humor, but I was too embarrassed to show up.

I'm not saying I have low self-esteem, but my life coach asked me to aim higher and I couldn't even do that right.

I'm so bad at multitasking, I struggle to even breathe and blink at the same time.

I once tried to organize a pity party for myself, but nobody else showed up. I probably got the date wrong.

I decided to make a vision board to motivate myself, but all I could find were images of disappointment and regret.

I'm not great at giving advice, but if you need help making bad decisions, I'm your guy.

I realized I hit rock bottom when I started relating to the 'before' pictures in weight loss ads.

I've been told I have the confidence of a squirrel trying to cross the road.

I tried to look on the bright side, but I think I accidentally blinded myself with the flashlight app.

My dating profile says I'm looking for someone who can handle sarcasm and emotional baggage. So far, I've only attracted therapists.

I Googled 'how to be cool' and it just showed error 404 - page not found. I guess some things are beyond help.

I told myself I should stop making self-deprecating jokes, but then I remembered I'm my own worst enemy.

I went to a therapist and they told me I have an inferiority complex. But it's probably not a big deal, nobody pays attention to me anyway.

I'm so bad at photography, I once accidentally filmed an hour-long video of my thumb.

I'm so bad at gardening, my plants have a survival rate of zero percent.

I'm so bad at spelling, autocorrect has started questioning my intelligence.

I'm so bad at budgeting, I consider getting a discount at a store a major win.