I used to be a people person, but then people happened.

My doctor said I need to increase my physical activity. So now I take the stairs instead of the elevator to go get more snacks.

I'm not lazy, I'm just really good at doing nothing.

I'm so bad at decision making, I once took 30 minutes to decide on a salad dressing.

I'm so bad at fashion, I once wore two different shoes to work and didn't notice until lunchtime.

I'm so bad at parking, I once hit my own car with a shopping cart.

I'm about as handy as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

I'm so unathletic, I once got a blister from playing too much Candy Crush on my phone.

I'm so clumsy, I've dropped my phone on my face while lying down more times than I can count.

I'm so bad at telling jokes, people usually laugh at me instead of the punchline.

I'm so awkward, I make the person behind me in line at the grocery store uncomfortable.

I'm so terrible at singing, I once participated in karaoke and cleared the room.

I'm so forgetful, I once missed my own birthday party because I forgot to attend.

I'm so out of shape, my Fitbit sends me motivational messages just to take a step.

I'm so uncool, even my mom refuses to follow me on social media.

I'm the only person who manages to get lost in my own thoughts.

I'm like a broken compass - constantly pointing in the wrong direction.

I have more awkward moments than consecutive thoughts.

I'm the only person who can mess up a one-car parade.

I have a talent for turning simple tasks into major disasters.

I'm the human embodiment of Murphy's Law - everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.