I once tried to start a meditation routine, but I fell asleep during the first session.

I'm like a plant - I thrive in sunlight, but wither away in the shade.

I thought about going on a diet, but then I remembered how much I love pizza.

I always manage to pick the slowest line at the grocery store. It's like a talent of mine.

I have a black belt in online shopping, but can't even tie my shoes properly.

I tried to take up gardening, but everything I planted ended up dead.

I once tried to be fashionable, but ended up looking like a walking fashion disaster.

I'm not just a snack, I'm a whole buffet of insecurities.

I'm not really good with technology, I still have trouble using a toaster.

I tried to organize a self-help group, but I couldn't decide on a time and place.

I tried to be a stand-up comedian, but the audience kept asking for a refund.

I'm not lazy, I'm just saving my energy for a nap later.

I don't need a personal trainer, my cat judges me enough during yoga.

I'm not a morning person, unless morning starts around noon.

I told my Mom I'm on a seafood diet. She said, 'I see food in your diet'.

I always take the stairs because I really can't handle the pressure of being in an elevator.

I bought a belt with a built-in scale so I can watch my weight go up and down with every meal.

I'm not sure what my spirit animal is, but I'm pretty sure it's a sloth.

I signed up for an exercise class and it's called 'resistance training.' I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

I used to think I was a night owl, but it turns out I'm just really good at avoiding responsibilities.

I tried to embrace my inner child until I realized my inner child is just a lazy slob.