I'm not uncoordinated, I just have my own interpretive dance style.

I'm such a light sleeper, even silence wakes me up.

I'm the kind of person who buys a gym membership and then orders pizza in the parking lot.

I'm not indecisive, unless you count my inability to make decisions.

I'm a natural at making unnatural disasters.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but... oh, who am I kidding?

I'm living proof that 'organized chaos' is a real thing.

I have a PhD in overthinking and a Bachelor's in underachieving.

I tried to be a stand-up comedian once, but even the mic wanted to sit down.

I'm not awkward, I'm just fluent in silence.

I have a black belt in awkward social interactions.

I have a mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most countries.

I'm not bad at math, I'm just mathematically challenged.

I was voted 'most likely to run late' in high school.

I have a face for radio and a voice for silent film.

I suffer from premature accumulation - of clutter.

I'm so bad at making decisions, I struggle to choose between paper or plastic at the grocery store.

I'm so bad at texting back, I should change my voicemail to 'text me instead'.

I'm so bad at fashion, my wardrobe looks like a lost and found bin.

I'm so bad at technology, even my GPS gives up on me.

I'm so bad at time management, I need a calendar just to schedule procrastination.