I signed up for a self-improvement class, but I dropped out because I wasn't good enough for it.

I once tried to impress someone by telling them I have my life together. They laughed so hard, they almost choked on their own laughter.

I'm not just a hot mess, I'm a whole disaster.

I tried to make a joke about my life, but it's too much of a joke already.

I'm not sure if I'm indecisive or just bad at making decisions.

I tried on my old high school jeans and now I know why they call it 'denial'.

I got a gym membership because I wanted to exercise. Now it's just a monthly reminder of my laziness.

I told my therapist about my fear of commitment. He said we should discuss it every week.

I finally found that elusive 'get rich quick' scheme. It's called 'work'.

I went to a party dressed as an introvert. I stayed home.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just testing the gravity around me.

I asked my wife what's for dinner. She said, 'Leftovers'. I said, 'Good, I love it when you cook'.

I'm not saying I'm a terrible cook, but even the smoke alarm cheers when I'm not in the kitchen.

I'm not cheap, I'm cost-effective. Just ask my 10-year-old phone.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but my idea of a big night out is changing into pajamas with polka dots.

I love multitasking. I can be anxious, indecisive, and hungry all at the same time.

I told my boss I was multitasking. He said, 'That's just a fancy word for doing things half-heartedly'.

I'm not good at mornings. I need coffee to remember things like my name or where I live.

I'm probably not the best person to ask for directions. I always end up giving a scenic route with extra detours.

I'm so bad at making decisions, I couldn't even choose a favorite color if my life depended on it.

I was asked to do a TED talk on procrastination, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.