My dentist told me I need braces, not for my teeth, but for my personality.

I went to a psychic to see my future, and she told me to focus on my past mistakes.

I tried to organize a group photo with my friends, but they said I would only ruin the picture.

I tried telling myself a joke, but I didn't laugh -- guess I'm not even funny to myself.

I'm like a parking ticket -- I get stuck on things easily and nobody wants me around.

I took a selfie and my phone automatically tagged it as a 'throwback Thursday'.

My abs are like unicorns -- mythical creatures that only exist in my imagination.

I'm like a forgotten password -- hard to crack and no one remembers me.

If I was a superhero, my superpower would be finding new ways to embarrass myself.

I tried to make a joke about my life, but even Siri couldn't find the punchline.

I'm like a plant without water -- slowly withering away and no one notices.

I'm so bad at directions, even my GPS gave up on me.

I'm like a coupon with an expired date -- nobody wants me around anymore.

I tried to impress myself by cooking a fancy meal, but I ended up ordering pizza.

I told my mom I wanted to be a comedian, and she asked me if I had a backup plan.

I tried to take a day off from work, but my boss accidentally scheduled me for overtime.

I'm like a Wi-Fi signal in a dead zone -- weak and constantly dropping out.

I tried to do a cartwheel and I ended up doing a face plant.

I'm so bad at socializing, even my pet goldfish ignores me.

I'm so bad with money, my credit score has trust issues with me.

I'm so bad with technology, I still don't understand how to set the clock on my microwave.