I tried to organize a support group for procrastinators, but we keep postponing the meetings.

I'm not indecisive, unless you count when I'm asked to make a decision.

I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated drinker.

I wish I could withdraw money from the ATM as easily as I withdraw from social situations.

I don't have a beer belly, I have a champagne storage unit.

I'm not lazy, I'm just saving my energy for when I really need it.

I may be a few pounds overweight, but that just adds to my charm.

I'm not a bad driver, I'm just an expert at finding creative parking spots.

I'm not saying I'm awkward, but my autobiography is titled 'Well, That Was Awkward'.

I may not be a rocket scientist, but I do have a black belt in overthinking.

I don't believe in Murphy's Law, I believe in my own personal law of chaos.

I always look on the bright side of life, mostly because it's easier than squinting in the dark.

I wouldn't say I have commitment issues, but I once broke up with a shampoo because the relationship was getting too serious.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I once left my phone in the fridge.

I'm not saying I'm a hypochondriac, but I did Google 'how to know if you're a hypochondriac' 17 times last week.

I'm so forgetful, I once forgot to put on pants before leaving the house.

I'm so bad at budgeting, I save money by avoiding my bank account altogether.

I'm so bad at texting, I accidentally sent a kissy face emoji to my boss.

I'm so bad at fixing things, I once made a leak worse by trying to patch it up.

I'm so bad at parallel parking, I once parked in a no-parking zone just to avoid it.

I'm so bad at taking criticism, I once cried after receiving a constructive feedback.