Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because they ain't got no feet.

What did the dog say to the sandpaper? Ruff!

What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

What's the best way to start a fire at a cemetery? Light the mourners.

I asked the doctor if he could help me with my phobia of moving staircases. He said, 'I can't take steps to help you.'

I applied for a job at the bakery, but they kneaded someone with more experience.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a board game.

I once knew an optometrist who fell into a lens grinder. He made a spectacle of himself.

I asked the librarian if they had a copy of 'How to deal with rejection without losing your mind'. She said it hadn't been checked out yet.

I told my computer I needed a break, but it won't stop responding.

I asked the doctor to help me stop aging. He gave me a gun.

I told my therapist about my addiction to Twitter. He asked me to tell him what happened in 140 characters or less.

I've been reading a book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Why did the vampire become a comedian? He wanted his jokes to have a real bite.

Why did the zombie go to the therapist? He needed someone to help him with his brain-eating disorder.

Why did the necrophiliac become a chef? He loved working with cold cuts.

Why did the hitman become a surgeon? He wanted to remove his enemies with precision.

Why did the serial killer become a painter? He had a talent for creating bloody masterpieces.

Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She kept drinking him dry.

Why did the ghost break up with his girlfriend? She was always haunting his thoughts.

Why did the clown join the navy? He wanted to be a pier-ate of the open seas.