I asked my dentist to stop using foul language. He said, 'I'll do my best, plaque willing.'

Why did the dog sit in the shade? It didn't want to become a hot dog.

I used to be a baker, but my life just kept getting crumbly.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes, about me driving her to insanity.

Why do morticians have good poker faces? They know how to bury their emotions.

Why did the astronaut break up with the alien? They just couldn't find space in their relationship.

I used to be a baker, but I didn't have the dough to keep up with it.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes, about me buying her things.

I wanted to go to a cemetery, but I was dead-set against it.

Why did the politician go to the doctor? For a complete lack of a spine.

I told my therapist I have a fear of success. He said, 'You're not successful, so don't worry.'

Why was the math book feeling suicidal? Too many problems.

Why did the shark break up with the fish? It just needed some space.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond? It just needed to sea other people.

I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it's pointless.

I used to be a baker, but my dreams got kneaded out of me.

I told my wife she should be more spontaneous. She said, 'I'll think about it.'

Well, to be perfectly honest, I'd settle for coffee. But I wouldn't say no to some whiskey.

I asked a fortune teller for her phone number. She said, 'Sorry, I'm a seer.'

I tried to make a joke about unemployed people but none of them work.

I told my psychiatrist about my phobia of chainsaws. He suggested I make small cuts.