Why don't vampires get jokes? They don't have a funny bone.

I asked my grandma if she ever tried 69. She said 'No, but I have done 53 - that's all the sailors I could handle.'

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery at night? He heard they had killer buns.

Why did the mermaid wear seashells? She outgrew her B-shells.

I asked the doctor for a prescription for sleeping pills. He told me to try counting my blessings instead.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I like my wine like I like my children - locked in a cellar.

Why did the vampire join the circus? He wanted to learn the art of neck-tightrope walking.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner demons. Turns out, they were just her in-laws.

Why did the tortilla chip bring a flashlight to the party? So it could find its way back to the dip.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She was too much to swallow.

Why did the vampire refuse to fight in the war? He didn't have the guts for bloodshed.

What's the best part about living at a nudist colony? No need to do laundry.

Why did the scarecrow attend therapy sessions? He was outstanding in his field of emotions.

Why couldn't the zombie find a date? He had too many skeletons in his closet.

Why was the math book worried about its future? It had too many unresolved problems.

Why did the scarecrow start a vineyard? He was outstanding in his field of grapes.

Why don't skeletons fight in the army? They don't have the backbone for it.

Why did the scarecrow win an Oscar? He was outstanding in his field of dreams.