My girlfriend broke up with me for being too morbid. Well, she can rest in pieces.

I texted my ex-girlfriend saying I missed her. But the message was intercepted.

I used to be a psychic, but I didn't see that career ending.

I asked the bartender for something strong. He gave me a piece of rope.

I told the police I saw a body in the lake. They asked me if it was dead. I said, 'No, it was just fishing.'

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

I lost my job as a fortune teller. I didn't see it coming.

Why did the vampire start a YouTube channel? He wanted to get some more neck-tivities.

I asked the chemist if he had any jokes about helium. He said he didn't find it funny.

I asked my wife what's for dinner. She said, 'Chaos,' and then ran off crying.

I told my psychiatrist I had a fear of ghosts. She said 'Boo-hoo.'

I asked my tailor for a suit made of Velcro. He said he'd have to charge me extra.

I asked my wife what she wanted to be for Halloween. She said 'Divorced.'

Why did the mathematician break up with his girlfriend? She multiplied their problems.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me around the neck.

Why did the ghost go to the party? For a haunting good time.

I told my therapist about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers. He said it was a gravy train to nowhere.

I asked the chemist if he had any jokes about sodium. He said 'Na.'

Why did the snowman call the police? Because there was a cold case.

I told my wife she should calm down. Now I'm single.