Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't have much meat on her bones.

I told my friends I was thinking of a career change to become a funeral director. They said I was dying to get there.

Why was the serial killer always calm and collected? Because he had a lot of body bags to keep him together.

I told my girlfriend she should embrace her curves. She said she was just trying to bury them.

Why was the haunted house always so clean? Because it had a lot of ghostbusters.

I tried to join a cult, but they said I was too 'lifeless' to be a member.

Why don't witches use cell phones? They can't handle the broom service.

I bought a coffin the other day. I guess you could say it was a grave investment.

I joined an emo band, but everyone kept singing about how sad I looked.

I used to be a pharaoh, but I got too wrapped up in myself.

I'm writing a book on how to be a better person. Spoiler alert: it's just a blank page.

I saw a man fall off a roof today. I guess you could say he really hit rock bottom.

I asked my doctor if he could recommend something for my stress. He said, 'Don't you have enough on your plate already?'

I finally got around to watching the Exorcist in reverse. It's about a little girl who saves a priest's life.

I told my therapist about my fear of chainsaws. She says it's cutting edge.

My girlfriend broke up with me for not taking her anxiety seriously. Well, she's not going to get far without me.

I heard they're making a movie about clocks. It's about time.

My friend asked me to help him fix his broken parrot. I said I couldn't because it's a touchy subject.

I told my wife I'd stop making bad jokes when pigs fly. I think she's installing a runway.

Doctors say I have a split personality. But we disagree.

I asked my wife if she's ever faked an orgasm. She replied, 'No need, you never last long enough anyway.'