I saw a ghost at the gym. It was there for the boo-tcamp.

I asked my wife to iron my clothes. She hit me with the iron instead.

I always thought my ex-wife was a keeper. Turns out, she just wanted alimony.

I asked my girlfriend to help me with a puzzle. She told me to stop putting my pieces together.

I asked my girlfriend to rate my listening skills. She said, 'You're a 9 out of 10, and I'm the 1.'

I tried to explain to my vegan friend that plants have feelings too. He left me with a sulk salad.

I told my therapist I have a fear of monsters under my bed. She told me to grow up.

I asked my grandma if she believes in life after death. She said, 'Not since the incident at the nursing home.'

I tried to make amends with my enemies, but it turns out they hold grudges better than I do.

I asked the ghost in my house to help with the chores. Now my vacuum cleaner moves by itself.

I tried to take up smoking to look cool, but the cigarettes kept coughing.

I started a support group for people with dark humor, but they couldn't handle the grave discussions.

I asked the psychic for lotto numbers. She said she sees a hefty bill in my future.

I tried to make a deal with the devil, but he said he already had my soul listed as 'out for delivery'.

I told my therapist I have a fear of commitment. She told me to make an appointment for next week.

Why did the necromancer break up with his girlfriend? She couldn't stop talking about her ex.

I accidentally swallowed a cat and now every time I cough, I meow.

I asked the Grim Reaper for his autograph but he said he couldn't sign my life away.

I used to be a funeral director, but I couldn't handle the turnover.

Why did the ghost get in trouble at school? Because he had a lot of ectoplasmic issues.

I told my wife she should embrace her dark side. Now she only shops at Hot Topic.