I asked my wife if she believes in ghosts. She said yes, but only around tax season.

I told my therapist I had a fear of giants. She told me to grow up.

I asked my wife if she ever thinks about the afterlife. She said only when I forget to take out the trash.

Why was the math book happy? He had too many exes.

Why did the tomato turn blue? It was feeling a little out of sorts.

Why couldn't the vampire get any sleep? His coffin was too stiff.

I asked my wife if she wanted to go on a haunted hayride. She said, 'No thanks, I ride horses, not dead ones.'

Why did the robot go to therapy? For a lack of emotional circuitry.

I told my wife she should learn archery. She said she's not keen on shooting for the stars.

Why was the belt arrested? It was a waist of police time.

I asked the doctor if I would live a long and healthy life. He said he couldn't guarantee that, but at least it would feel like a lifetime.

I told my wife she should try the treadmill. She said she couldn't run that fast.

I asked my wife if she thought I was cheap. She said she couldn't afford to have an opinion.

I told my wife she should do more yoga. She said she couldn't stretch that far.

I heard that the local coffin factory is going out of business. They're running out of customers.

Did you hear about the man who was hit by a truck carrying lemonade? He's now a soft drink.

I asked the doctor to put me in a vegetative state. He said I should lettuce pray for a miracle.

I wanted to be a monk, but I didn't have the monk-y.

I told my wife I wanted a more exciting funeral. She suggested we play 'guess the coffin.'

My doctor told me I'm colorblind. The news came out of the green.

I asked the Grim Reaper for fashion advice. He said, 'Black never goes out of style.'