I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said, 'Why jump out of a perfectly good airplane when I could just push you out?'

I asked my wife if she's ever lied to me. She said, 'No, the truth hurts you enough.'

I told my wife she should try a new hobby. She asked, 'Like what, finding a man who appreciates me?'

I asked my wife if she's ever considered plastic surgery. She said, 'Why, so I can look more attractive to someone who doesn't deserve me?'

I told my wife she should try meditation. She laughed and said, 'I tried it, but your breathing kept distracting me.'

I told my wife she should try yoga for stress relief. She replied, 'Why, so you can stare at me in awkward positions?'

I asked my wife why she doesn't believe in soulmates. She said, 'I used to believe, until I met you.'

I asked my doctor for some sleeping pills. He said, 'Why, is your wife keeping you up with all her groaning?'

I asked my wife if she's ever been unfaithful. She replied, 'No, but you've certainly been uninteresting.'

I asked my wife if she regrets marrying me. She replied, 'No, I wouldn't have this much material if I didn't.'

I asked my wife if she believes in life after marriage. She said, 'If that exists, it would be heaven.'

I told my wife she has a great sense of humor. She replied, 'It's the only way I can survive being married to you.'

I asked my wife if she's ever fantasized about someone else. She said, 'Yes, someone who doesn't ask stupid questions all the time.'

I told my therapist I was having thoughts of suicide. He said, 'From a therapist's perspective, that's a killer idea.'

I told my wife she should try a new diet. She said, 'Why? So you can find me more attractive and leave?'

I asked my girlfriend if we could try role-playing in the bedroom. She said, 'Sure, you be the doctor and I'll be the nurse. And we'll bill your insurance later.'

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a black hole. No one could see me, but everyone could feel my presence.

I joined a club for procrastinators. They haven't assigned me a role yet, but I know it's coming soon.

I asked the devil for a favor, he said sure but it'll cost you your soul. I said I'll think about it and he disappeared. Guess I dodged a bullet.

I told my girlfriend she should lose weight. She replied, 'You first.'

I told my wife she should act her age. She threw the iPhone at me.