I asked my doctor what was the leading cause of constipation. He replied, 'Holding back your feelings.'

I jokingly asked my wife if she's seeing someone else. She replied, 'Not yet.'

I asked my wife how many men she's slept with before me. She giggled and said, 'I don't know, I lost track after the first hundred.'

I asked my wife if we could try something new in the bedroom. She said, 'Sure, you can sleep on the couch.'

I told my wife she should try a pole dancing class. She replied, 'Why, so you can watch and take notes?'

I asked my wife if she has ever cheated on me. She said, 'If I wanted to cheat, I'd pick someone worth cheating on you with.'

I joined a self-help group for compulsive liars. I haven't attended a single meeting, but they keep saying how proud they are of me.

I was feeling down, so I asked my wife if she could give me a compliment. She said, 'You're practically unrecognizable today.'

I told my family I wanted to be cremated. They made me an appointment for Tuesday.

I used to play piano for weddings. Now I play the organ at funerals.

Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Death and taxes may be certain, but at least death doesn't get worse every year.

Every time someone tells me 'lighten up', I feel the urge to bring a corpse to the conversation.

Why did the bullet break up with the gun? It just wasn't his type.

I wanted to join the debate team, but they said my arguments were too grave.

I went to a seafood restaurant and found a pearl in my oyster. The waiter said, 'That's not a pearl, it's someone's tooth.'

I love my new job as a pathologist. It's dead-end work, but the clients never complain.

I asked the doctor if I should be worried about my paranoia. He said, 'Only if it starts talking back to you.'

Why couldn't the vampire get any sleep? He was too coffin.

My friend said he's going to become a comedian. I told him he's got some grave aspirations.