Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

I told my wife she should try parallel parking. She said, 'That's not my forte.' I said, 'It's not your car either.'

Why did the tomato turn into a fruit? Because it couldn't ketchup.

I don't like working at the morgue anymore. The hours are killing me.

Why did the psychic bring a pencil to the seance? In case they needed to 'take a note.'

I asked my therapist how much longer I have to live. She said, 'I don't know, I'm a therapist, not a fortune teller.'

I took up meditation to deal with my anger. So far, I've achieved inner peace and 3rd-degree assault charges.

Why did the thief take a bath before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

I started a new job as a tailor, but I got fired. Apparently, 'sewing dissent' is frowned upon.

I asked the doctor for some peace and quiet. So he removed my vocal cords.

Why did the clown go to therapy? He was tired of clowning around with his feelings.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance? He had nobody to go with.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too much of a pessimist. I told her the main reason we were still together was because she never listened to anything I said.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem.

I asked the doctor if I'll live a long and healthy life. He said he couldn't predict the future, but would recommend a healthy diet. So I asked for a second opinion. He said, 'Don't eat that.'

I have a fear of negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I failed my driver's test. The instructor asked me, 'What do you do at a red light?' I said, 'I usually text.'

I have a joke about unemployed people, but it doesn't work.

I'm thinking of opening a bakery next to the cemetery. I'm going to call it 'Bread Pitt.'

What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?