I finally told my wife she's drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I wouldn't say my wife's a bad cook, but our dog begs for food at the table.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes - with your brother.

Just found out my toaster isn't waterproof... I was shocked.

A man walked into a bar... and stayed there because his wife was waiting for him at home.

I hate Russian dolls. They're always so full of themselves.

I'm not saying my grandma is old, but her birth certificate is written in Roman numerals.

I was at a funeral the other day. It was so boring, I started checking my pulse just to make sure I was still alive.

I dreamt I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes...we haven't gotten a gig yet.

I've been told I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I taught my dog to fetch, but now he just brings me pictures of other dogs.

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants in a 'waistful' manner.

I told my wife she should try a new hobby. She decided to file for divorce.

Why did the vampire get hired at the blood bank? He was a smooth operator.

Why did the ghost become a fashion designer? She had a talent for draping fabric.

Why did the zombie open a gym? He wanted his clients to work out until they were dead tired.

Why did the serial killer get a job in retail? He had a cut-throat attitude towards sales.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue? He heard it was a rib-tickling good time.

Why did the cannibal leave the party early? He got a bad taste in his mouth.

Why don't skeletons play music in the band? They have no organs.